


Safe

by dimpleboyjoonie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ace!gadreel, Angst, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Canon Divergence, Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt, M/M, PTSD, Slow Burn, Suicide, Torture, Work In Progress, human!Gadreel, implied sexual assault (briefly), spoilers for S9 and S10, the mark is gone and nothing bad happened
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-15 10:08:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4602723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimpleboyjoonie/pseuds/dimpleboyjoonie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The cold barrel of the gun that was pressed to his forehead should have scared him, but instead Gadreel closed his eyes and waited for Dean to pull the trigger. Gadreel was too much of a coward to do it himself, but he knew that if he turned up at the bunker the Winchesters would give him the release he craved. He just needed it to be over, needed the pain of millions of years of torture to finally end. Gadreel thought he was going to finally be at peace when he blew his body into a thousand pieces inside heaven's prison, but he wasn't even allowed that. Someone had brought him back and Gadreel thought that maybe he had been brought back so he could suffer even more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Punishment

**Author's Note:**

> Okay the only changes I've made to the canon are that the spell to get rid of the Mark didn't result in the 'darkness' and Gadreel was resurrected 
> 
> Lots of platonic love between Gadreel and Dean (but you can read it however you like)
> 
> Slow burn into destiel and sadreel, but it won't be really really slow
> 
> Not sure if there'll be mature stuff later on, but there's a warning there might be some brief stuff if that's where the story goes
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)

The cold barrel of the gun that was pressed to his forehead should have scared him, but instead Gadreel closed his eyes and waited for Dean to pull the trigger. Gadreel was too much of a coward to do it himself, but he knew that if he turned up at the bunker the Winchesters would give him the release he craved. He just needed it to be over, needed the pain of millions of years of torture to finally end. Gadreel thought he was going to finally be at peace when he blew his body into a thousand pieces inside heaven's prison, but he wasn't even allowed that. Someone had brought him back and Gadreel thought that maybe he had been brought back so he could suffer even more. 

He waited patiently for Dean to pull the trigger, blocking out the noise of their rapid heartbeats. He could feel himself growing frustrated that Dean hadn't gotten it over with yet, but he guessed to himself that the older Winchester wanted to savour the moment. After all, Gadreel had betrayed them. He had used his brother's body as a vessel to kill others, echoing the time when Sam had been possessed by Lucifer. That was a crime that was as unforgivable as letting the serpent into the garden, and Gadreel finally wanted his punishment to be carried out.

The gun clicked, but disappointment flooded throughout Gadreel as he realised Dean had put the gun back onto safety and thrown it across the room in anger. Gadreel slowly opened his eyes, body tensed. Dean's face was unreadable as always. Maybe he planned on torturing Gadreel before killing him? He couldn't think of any other reason why the older Winchester would pull the gun away from his head. 

"What are you doing here? How are you even alive?" Dean growled. 

Gadreel tensed at Dean's tone and when he tried to speak no sound would come out. He was so sure that Dean wanted to kill him, needed to kill him, that he hadn't planned an explanation if things turned out differently. The very idea of Dean taken pity on him and letting him live made Gadreel think he was dreaming, something he would never be able to get used to. This human body did a lot of things that Gadreel feared, and being weak and in shock was one of them. 

He had to clear his throat before he found his voice, "I woke up on Earth, my grace was gone. I do not know who brought me back or why I am here. Maybe it is so I can be punished further. I thought you and Sam would want to punish me for what I did. I deserve it but was not strong enough to carry out the act myself."

Gadreel held his wrists up to Dean, the scars there making the Winchester's face turn softer. 

"Each time I tried I woke up again." Gadreel's voice was small, and he found himself feeling even weaker than before.

Dean sighed before gesturing back up the stairs to the door, "you best leave. I can't give you what you want. I'm done killing for now." 

"Perhaps Sam would be more willing to do it." He pleaded. He needed them to do this for him. 

Dean laughed bitterly, "I doubt it. Have you forgotten the time when Sam helped you after I nearly ganked you with the First Blade?"

Gadreel shook his head, "I have not, but that was just because I could offer you help. I was of use, but it is different now."

"Well, when him and Cas get back you can ask him yourself." 

"Castiel is alive?" Gadreel felt relief flooding his body. He was unsure whether or not his brother would be killed when he used the sigil. 

Dean nodded his head, looking relieved himself. "He told me what you did. So thanks for that, I guess."

Gadreel felt the shock returning to his body. Out of all of the the possible scenarios he had thought of, Dean thanking him was not one of them. Helping Castiel escape from heaven's prison wasn't excusable for his crimes, but he wasn't going to argue with Dean. Instead, he sighed deeply, which relieved some of the tension that had built up inside him again. Dean turned around and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Gadreel unsure of what he should do next. Dean had told him to wait here for Sam, but he wasn't sure if that meant just waiting at the bunker or waiting by the stairs where he was. 

Gadreel decided to wait where he was, but he could feel his whole body aching. It had taken him days of walking and hitchhiking uneasy rides with strangers to get here. Travelling in cars and trucks made him feel sick, another bodily function he hated, but if he had walked the whole way here Gadreel was unsure if he would have made it. He knew if he had died from exhaustion he would only be brought back again, so he had made it his mission to get to the bunker. Now that Dean had spared him all he had to do was wait for Sam. Gadreel hoped that Sam would kill him. If not the only other thing he could think of was to ask them to do it anyway, to show him mercy. He wasn't sure if they would even do that. Sparing his life would mean he would have to spend the rest of his life here. Gadreel survived the worst kinds of torture that heaven could inflict upon him, but he could live through that. He couldn't live through being human for the rest of his life, even though that life would be pitifully short in comparison to how long he had been alive for.

It took Gadreel a few minutes to realise that Dean was staring at him, his green eyes almost looking concerned. Gadreel avoided eye contact with the hunter. Something about Dean's gaze reminded him of the looks he would sometimes give his brother, and Gadreel didn't deserve them. 

"You can't stand there all night. It's creepy. You're like the Terminator, in that scene where he stood all night by the window, not moving an inch." Dean laughed, a warm smile spreading across his face.

"I do not understand that-"

"I know, I know. You don't get it. I'll have to show you that movie at some point. That's if Sam doesn't blow your brains out." Dean shrugged, "Just come with me. I can't leave you to stand there all night."

Gadreel was shocked by the hunter's compassion. But he was still nervous, thinking it could also be a trick. He had been tricked before. Dean turned around and disappeared back into the kitchen again, and this time Gadreel followed. He nervously took a seat at the kitchen table while Dean rummaged around in a cupboard, almost letting out a groan when he sat down. His body was weak, much weaker than he thought it had been. Dean turned around holding two glasses in his hands, concern showing on his face again, worry causing a crease between his eyebrows. He handed Gadreel a glass. Believing it to be water Gadreel tipped its contents quickly down his throat, where it burnt him like acid. Gadreel found himself spluttering, his head quickly throbbing. He glanced up at Dean in fear, sure that he had just poisoned him. But his fears were pushed aside when he saw Dean drinking the same liquid. 

"Sorry, guess you're not used to alcohol just yet?" Dean smiled, taking Gadreel's glass and filling it back up with water this time. 

Gadreel sniffed at the glass to make sure it was water this time, which earned him another smile from Dean. He had never seen the hunter look this happy before. Maybe Sam and Castiel had been away for a while, leaving Dean happy with any company he could get, even if it was with a former angel that betrayed him. 

"Must have been rough, right? Waking up human?" Dean's voice was quieter. 

Gadreel grimaced, "It was not a good experience."

"What about your vessel? What happened to him?"

"He is not here. I guess he was allowed into heaven. He was not a happy man in the beginning, I would not have taken his body otherwise." Gadreel stated. 

"Are you hungry? You look really skinny man. I remember what your vessel looked like before, he looked strong. But now.." Dean looked Gadreel up and down. 

Gadreel pulled his jacket tighter around himself, uneasy at Dean's piercing gaze. It was true, his body was very weak and the mention of food made his stomach ache. It didn't matter if he ate or not, if he died he would be brought back again. At least the pain of starvation and dehydration gave him the punishment he deserved. 

"Gadreel." Dean said his name sternly, forcing him to look at the Winchester. 

"I know what it's like to be tortured. I remember every detail of being on hell's rack, I remember every cut, every punch, every burn. I remember it all and I know you remember everything that happened to you too. But I only faced 40 years. I can't even imagine the length of time you were tortured for. Sam remembers it too, being locked inside Lucifer's cage." 

Gadreel flinched at the mention of his older brother's name. In heaven it had been a sin to merely mention it. 

"I deserved it." He whispered. 

Out from the corner of his eye he could see Dean's hand reaching for him. Gadreel stayed still as Dean placed it on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. Gadreel had not been touched by anyone else since he woke up, and he didn't know what to make of it. It didn't feel threatening so he let Dean touch his shoulder, closing his eyes and focusing on the fact that Dean wasn't going to hurt him. The older Winchester understood what he went through. He felt it too. It didn't matter that Dean had only spent 40 years worth of time being tortured, time was irrelevant. And Gadreel couldn't even begin to comprehend what Sam had suffered in the cage. The Winchesters understood. They wouldn't hurt him. 

He started to cry.


	2. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: panic attack, anxiety, implied sexual assault, some swearing too
> 
> Some destiel stuff in this chapter

Even though Gadreel had sworn to Dean that he wasn't hungry, that didn't stop the Winchester from cooking him a meal. Gadreel stood close next to Dean, closer than he probably should be. He knew from his time possessing Sam that there were certain human customs that needed to be followed, but right now he didn't care. He hadn't realised how badly he needed to be around other humans, didn't realise that they were more of a pack animal than he thought and it was better to be around others. 

He watched closely as Dean cracked eggs into a frying pan, Dean showing him the best technique to avoid the shell falling into the pan. Dean answered every single one of Gadreel's questions, never mocking him if the answer seemed obvious. He wanted to know everything Dean knew about the animal that laid the eggs he would be eating. He learnt that it was called a chicken, and that the animal itself could also be eaten. Dean promised Gadreel to take him to a farm soon, smiling at the happiness that showed on the former angel's face. 

When the eggs were done Gadreel helped dish them out onto plates. They sat down at the table facing each other, Dean saying that he wanted to see his facial expression when Gadreel tried Dean's cooking for the first time. Gadreel could tell Dean was proud of his cooking, and he remembered Sam's memories of Dean cooking for them every night when they were growing up. Dean had raised Sam, and Gadreel smiled fondly at the memories. While he was possessing Sam Gadreel had to restore Sam's memories, which meant picking through every single one of them. It had been sad, funny and awkward at times. He started to blush when he thought of the awkward memories, which earned him a confused look from Dean. He wasn't about to tell him that he was remembering his brother's first time, so he lied. 

"I feel helpless, there is just so much about human life that I do not know." 

Dean shrugged, "there's still a lot that I don't know myself. It's something you've gotta work through. You'll get there eventually." 

Gadreel nodded and focused his attention back to the eggs. He copied Dean's movements with the knife and fork, clumsily bringing up a piece of egg to his mouth. He paused, unsure if he was doing it right. It wasn't helping that Dean was watching his every move like a hawk, but Gadreel forced himself to eat. It was unlike anything he'd ever done before. His unused tastebuds were overwhelmed with the different flavours, and he began crying and smiling instantly.

"I'm hoping that's a good sign?" Dean questioned, the corners of his mouth twitching, a smile on the verge of breakout. 

Gadreel had stuffed his face and couldn't talk, but he nodded. 

"Good, I'm glad you like it." Dean smiled. 

After the meal was finished Gadreel cleaned the plates and the pan, putting everything back where Dean had taken it from. When he turned around and Dean was gone he could feel the panic building up his chest. The room was spinning and Gadreel's heart was racing, but the panic ended as quickly as it had started when he heard the noise of voices and Dean's laughter drifting throughout the bunker. Gadreel followed the sounds towards the library where Dean was sat at the table with his laptop.

"May I come in?" 

"Sure, take a seat." Dean pulled out the chair next to him, patting the seat. 

Gadreel slowly took his seat, heart pounding. His eyes nervously flittered towards where he had killed the prophet, Kevin. He was only a boy but Gadreel had killed him anyway, desperate to prove to Metatron that he could be trusted and could follow orders. His body began to tremble when he remembered the boy's face. Kevin had looked trusting and happy that Sam had come over to talk to him. Gadreel silently thought to himself whether or not the prophet believed his friend had killed him and not the angel that had been inside Sam, controlling his every action. 

Dean could tell Gadreel was nervous, "He's okay you know. Kevin. Sort of. He's a ghost, but he's with his mum."

Gadreel didn't say anything, panic building up in his chest again. 

Dean turned his laptop off and gently pulled Gadreel up to his feet. The guy was even lighter than Dean thought he would be, which worried him again. Judging from what Gadreel had told him he would be brought back each time he died, but that couldn't be fun, especially for someone that wanted to die. Dean led Gadreel towards one of the bedrooms, the one next to Dean's own so if anything happened during the night he would be able to get to Gadreel quickly. He made him sit down on the bed, pulling his worn boots and socks off. Dean wondered to himself if he would be able to get Gadreel into the showers. 

"You need to wash up, it's not good for you to be unclean." 

Gadreel didn't appear to notice what Dean had said. The former angel seemed to be pulling into himself, shutting the world out. Dean led him to the showers, making sure there was soap in there. He didn't want to have to clean Gadreel, but Dean wasn't sure that he could do it himself. He sighed. He had washed Sammy plenty of times in his life, how different could this be? He had even showered Cas when he was human, but those showers had ended rather differently and Dean could feel himself blushing.

He gently eased Gadreel out of his leather jacket, throwing it into a laundry basket. Next was the grey hoodie, and then what was probably once a white t-shirt. He slipped it over Gadreel's arms and head, and didn't bother putting it in for a wash. He'd have to guess his size and find some clothes for him. He was too tall to fit into any of Dean and Cas' clothes, but Sam's would be too big on him. Dean made a mental note to go into town and buy some new clothes. He had to take of Gadreel's jeans next, but when he reached for the zip Gadreel's hand wrapped tightly around Dean's and he pulled his arm away. 

"Gadreel, I'm not gonna hurt you. Okay? I swear it." Dean said firmly. 

After a few seconds Gadreel let Dean's arm go. Dean unzipped the jeans and carefully pulled them down, helping Gadreel out of them. By now he was shivering from either the cold or Dean's touch. The hardest part came next, and Dean knew if he wasn't careful he could get a punch in the face. Gadreel was weak, really weak, but Dean knew that he was scared. Scared people get strength from their fear, and he didn't feel like having to explain to Sam and Cas that he'd gotten a black eye while getting Gadreel naked. He was tense, and Dean didn't want to push him too far. Whatever else had happened to him in prison must have been bad. He didn't want to ask Gadreel what had happened, but Dean had a rough guess. He felt sick and felt like a fucking asshole for all of what he'd put Gadreel through. 

"I've got to take your boxers off. I'm sorry, but I can't clean you properly otherwise. And they're pretty ruined. It's nothing I haven't seen before, you don't need to be embarrassed or scared. But I understand if this is too much for you." Dean made his voice calm and slow, not wanting to scare Gadreel. 

Gadreel's voice was barely audible, "Okay. Just make this quick, please."

Dean nodded and quickly pulled the boxers down, avoiding looking at the man. He tossed the boxers towards where he'd thrown the t-shirt. Gadreel could probably fit in Dean's ones, but he'd make sure to buy some for him. He led Gadreel towards the showers and ran the water, waiting patiently for it to get warm enough. The former angel looked terrified again, and Dean realised that water must have been used as part of his torture once before. It didn't matter what Gadreel did, Lucifer was the one who tricked him after all. No one deserved this. 

"It won't hurt you." Dean clarified. 

Gadreel relaxed a little and it was enough of a confirmation for Dean. He managed to get Gadreel under the water, rubbing soap all over his tense body. Dean paused when he saw Gadreel's back, huge marks scarred his body on each shoulder blade. Dean was both sickened and curious, realising this is where Gadreel's wings would have been. It was the only thing that made Dean realise that the man he was now rubbing soap on had been an angel of the Lord, a warrior, a watcher of the Garden. It was a weird experience for Dean, but he knew he'd get used to it. He guessed it would probably be some time before Gadreel was strong enough to shower by himself, and right now Dean didn't trust him to do it alone. He felt a wave of protectiveness for the former angel. 

He told Gadreel to close his eyes, not wanting to get shampoo in them. He gently massaged the shampoo through Gadreel's hair and into his scalp. He could feel Gadreel relaxing under his touch, jaw unclenching and a small smile appearing on his face. Dean made sure all of the shampoo was out of his hair and then checked if there were any patches of skin he'd missed. When he was sure that Gadreel was completely clean from head to toe he turned the shower off, Gadreel instantly shivering in the cold air. Dean got a towel wrapped around Gadreel and told him to wait there while he got him some clean clothes. When he came back he found Gadreel stroking the leather jacket. 

"Do you want to keep it?" Dean asked. 

Gadreel nodded, "My vessel was fond of it, it would seem cruel to throw it away."

Dean smiled, recalling the memory of him fishing out Cas' trench coat from the lake. It was a painful memory so he quickly forced it back down, instead focusing his attention on getting Gadreel dried and dressed. He'd picked out some of his boxers, a pair of Sam's sweatpants and one of Sam's black t-shirts that he never seemed to wear. It was a struggle to find anything in Sammy's wardrobe that wasn't plaid, and he smiled fondly. Dean had been right about the clothes being a bit too big, the shirt being the loosest thing. Dean was glad to have Gadreel dressed and the awkwardness faded. He was still worried, making another note to pick up some cream for the large scars on Gadreel's back. He also needed to buy some more food. Gadreel's ribs were visible and Dean didn't like that. 

When Dean eventually had Gadreel tucked into bed the former angel was staring intently at him. It made Dean feel slightly uneasy, but he feared any form of rejection would send him back into the state he had been after coming out from the library. 

"What's wrong?" Dean asked him softly. 

"I do not deserve your kindness, Dean Winchester." Gadreel's voice was even smaller than it had been before. 

Dean sighed, "You do. Now get some rest." 

Gadreel frowned before closing his eyes and quickly falling to sleep. Dean hoped it would be a peaceful one, and he awkwardly stood in the doorway. He turned the light off and debated whether or not to close the door. He decided against closing it, knowing that if Gadreel woke up in the night he might not be able to hear him or Gadreel might believe he wasn't able to get out. He didn't want him to feel like a prisoner. He left the door open. Dean quickly got undressed and crawled into his own bed, closing his eyes and shutting the world out. 

Tomorrow Sammy and Cas would be back from the hunt. Dean was still recovering from having the Mark taken off of his arm, so they forced him to stay behind. He didn't have much say in the matter, being ganged up by the two of them was exhausting. But he knew Cas needed experience since he decided he was done with heaven. Dean nervously rubbed at his arm, a habit he hadn't been able to kick just yet. He knew that Cas would be happy to see his brother, but he didn't really know what Sam's reaction would be. Dean decided that was something to worry about in the morning. He was exhausted and needed sleep, and the second he let his body relax he could feel himself being pulled under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Domestic Dean is probably my favourite thing in the world
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Next chapter coming soon!


	3. The deer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long to update, hopefully I'll get the next chapter up soon :)

Gadreel woke up in shock, breathing heavily and fighting down the urge to scream. He didn't know where he was until the door was swung wide open and Dean was there, faster than would be possible for someone who wasn't used to being fully conscious and ready for a fight just seconds after getting out of bed. Dean quickly raced to Gadreel, helping him sit up, gently rubbing in circles on his back. Whatever Dean was doing it worked quickly because Gadreel had soon calmed down. 

"It's alright, nothing's gonna hurt you, you're safe." Dean repeated his words like they were a mantra.

Gadreel closed his eyes and repeated Dean's words in his head. He was in the bunker, Dean had chosen not to kill him, he was being looked after, he was safe. Safe. It was a word Gadreel was unfamiliar with, but he knew it meant that no one was going to hurt him. Dean made him drink down an entire glass of water, helping him get out of the bed. The hunter's hands that were normally used for killing monsters and fighting beings more powerful than himself were surprisingly soft and gentle on Gadreel's bare skin. Dean pulled him into a close hug, still repeating that he was safe here. It took some time for Gadreel to calm down completely, but Dean didn't complain once. Gadreel didn't deserve this, he knew he didn't. 

"Are you sure you're okay now?" Dean's voice was filled with concern, another thing that Gadreel believed he didn't deserve. 

Gadreel couldn't speak, but he nodded. Dean let him out of the constricting hug but kept his hand firmly on Gadreel's arm, steading him. He was grateful for the human contact, drawing strength from the touch. Dean led him to the bathroom where he helped him with human rituals. It wasn't awkward anymore, Dean had seen all of Gadreel, and he knew Dean had saw the marks where his wings once were. Thankfully, Dean didn't say anything, just helped him get cleaned up. Gadreel didn't want to be so weak. How we're humans like Dean so strong? It seemed impossible to Gadreel. 

Dean led them towards the kitchen, another place that Gadreel felt safe in. Dean sat Gadreel in the same seat, knowing that the familiarity of the place would bring him some comfort. He sat opposite him again, taking his hands in his own. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dean wouldn't push him for answers, but he felt that talking would help him. 

"It was a nightmare, nothing I haven't survived before."

They sat in silence, Gadreel's hands in Dean's. Gadreel studied the man's face, looking for any signs that Dean wanted to hurt him. He couldn't see any, but he could see that Dean's muscles were tense. He noticed something on his bare chest, right over his heart.

"What is that branding for?" He asked, the need to fill the silence and curiosity overwhelming him. 

Dean looked surprised, looking down at himself before realising what Gadreel was looking at, "Oh, it's a tattoo. It's a devil's trap. It stops demons from being able to possess humans. I don't think there's one for angels, but they have to ask first. Demons can just possess anyone they like, unless they've got one of these."

Dean pointed to the tattoo. 

"So a demon can possess me now?" Gadreel was full of questions, and he hoped it didn't bother Dean. 

"Yeah, I guess they can. You're human now, so you're vulnerable to everything we're vulnerable too. You can get one too, if that's what you're worried about. They hurt though, but once they're on there it's there forever." Dean stated. 

"I would like to get one. Do you have anymore?" 

Dean could feel himself start to blush, but he managed to control it. He didn't want to admit to Gadreel that he had another tattoo, one on his ass, not even Sam knew about that one. And he knew that Gadreel would ask to see it, "No, just this one, I might get some more one day."

"Can you teach me how to be a hunter?" 

Dean grinned, "Are you sure? Being a hunter is hard work, it's stressful and it's dangerous. You've gotta lot to learn, too."

Gadreel shrugged, something he had picked up from Dean's body language. 

"Okay, I'll teach you. But only when you're strong enough, and when I'm strong enough too." 

"I noticed the Mark is gone. I am glad it's gone." 

"Me too," Dean smiled, but changed the subject, "so if you're planning on me teaching you to be a hunter does this mean you don't want to die now?"

Gadreel didn't know how to answer Dean's question, so he shrugged again. The short silence that followed was broken by a buzzing sound that Gadreel remembered was a phone. Dean ran to go get it, going into his bedroom and shutting the door behind him. Gadreel guessed it was probably Sam, and he nervously ran his hands through his hair. What would Sam do? Gadreel was still going to offer up his life, even though he didn't have an answer to Dean's question anymore. There was so much for him to learn, and an entire world for him to explore. It was just everything that he did and everything that had happened to him that had him questioning whether or not he wanted to be here to explore it all.

Dean returned quickly, announcing that Sam and Cas were about half an hour away. Dean said he was going to a take quick shower and get some clean clothes. 

"Dean!" Gadreel called after him, hoping he heard him. 

"Yeah, what's wrong?"

"Do they know I am here? What did they say?" Gadreel breathed out. 

Dean appeared around the corner, his face unreadable as always, "I told them and all they wanted to know was how and why you were here. I told them what happened. They're not angry, Gadreel, they're worried." 

Doubt flooded Gadreel's thoughts. He knew Dean lied to shield people, he had lied to Sam about Gadreel possessing him. 

"Is it okay if I go outside? I am not in good enough condition to run away. I just need to be outside, being underground is not-"

"I know, it's weird at first, but you'll get use to it. Just be careful out there. Here, take this, my number is saved into it. You remember these? Your vessel had to have used one at some point." Dean handed him a phone. 

"Yes, I remember. Thank you." 

Gadreel waited for Dean to disappear into the showers before getting up. He quickly went to his room and retrieved his jacket, remembering how cold his body could easily get now. He dragged himself up the stairs and struggled with the door. Once he was outside, he felt calmer. Gadreel breathed in the fresh, cool air. It had just rained, leaving the trees and grass coated in a fine layer of small water droplets. He headed into the woods, making sure not to loose sight of the bunker. He didn't want to disturb Dean with a phone call asking him to come find him if he got lost. 

He felt safer once he was amongst plants and trees. Even after all that had happened in the garden, Gadreel still felt his best when he was surrounded by nature. The woods reminded him of how he felt in the garden, but they couldn't be more different. Whereas the garden was meticulously planned out and kept tidy, the woods were completely wild. Trees sprouted at haphazard angles, plants were overgrown and covering the floor, and the animals that inhabited the woods were not tame like the animals that lived in the garden had been. 

With each step further Gadreel took he uncovered more of the woods secrets, discovered the different birds that lived here. He soon found deer trails and the paw prints of a fox, freshly trodden into the mud. Gadreel felt alive, he felt at home. He wanted to sit down on a fallen log but he didn't want to get his borrowed clothes dirty. Instead, he ran his hand along the rough bark, feeling deeply connected to the woods in the same way he had once been connected to the garden. 

Gadreel loved how the woods were untouched and unplanned, how trees simply grew wherever they wanted and how animals were allowed to move freely. There were no walls here, no bars that kept him cruelly locked away. Here there were no rules, no punishments, no one that could hurt him. Lucifer had told him that the earth was wild, but he thought that was a bad thing, that the chaos of the human world was something to be wiped out and paved over by heaven's perfect vision. But Gadreel now knew that this world was already perfect. 

He spotted the deer before it spotted him, and once it saw him it raised its antlers proudly and sniffed the air. Gadreel held still, not wanting to scare it off. He also didn't want to be speared to death by the antlers, Dean's words echoing in his head, reminding him that he was now vulnerable. The deer moved closer towards Gadreel, close enough for him to touch it. It's eyes were fixed on him, holding him in place. There was so much life and knowledge in those eyes that Gadreel wanted to cry. If Dean was here, he probably would have rolled his eyes like he had seen him do sometimes with Sam. Gadreel gently placed his hand on the deers head, it's fur soft underneath his palm. The deer closed its eyes and Gadreel smiled widely, pleased that this creature didn't fear him. 

His phone rang in his pocket, blasting out a loud rock song and sending the deer running off into the woods. Gadreel felt disappointed that the deer was gone, but he knew it was a great honour for the deer to let him touch it. Gadreel answered the phone. 

"You ever coming back, Gad?" Dean asked, and Gadreel could hear the smile in his voice. 

"Yes. I am in the woods, I will come back now." 

Dean hung up and Gadreel stared at the spot the deer had disappeared into. He was almost tempted to follow it, but there were things he needed to do. He needed to speak to Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my headcanons is that Dean has tattoos, and he totally has one on his butt
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	4. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, life has been pretty stressful but I've finally managed to push a chapter out. It's a short and a painful one though :(

Being underground again made Gadreel nervous, but he held onto the memories of the woods and the deer. If Sam and Castiel reacted badly to him being here, he now knew of a place he could flee to. He would follow the deer. 

Dean was pacing around the kitchen, coffee mug in one hand, the other nervously scratching at where the Mark of Cain had been. Gadreel didn't say anything, returning the favour as Dean didn't ask him about his wings. 

"I am sure they are fine Dean." 

Gadreel's words did not settle Dean. They were supposed to be back by now, and Gadreel could tell Dean was on edge. The Mark had affected him more than he had realised. Gadreel did not know a lot about the Mark, just that it was powerful enough to turn Cain against his own brother and then twist his soul into a demon. Dean told him what had happened, how he turned into a demon and ran around with the King of Hell; Crowley. Gadreel could tell how ashamed of himself Dean was, but Dean was the Righteous Man. He was good. He wasn't evil, and he wasn't a demon anymore. Sam had healed him, and Gadreel admired Sam even more for that. He told Dean that he shouldn't be ashamed of himself. He had done well, defeating Abbaddon and Metatron, and Gadreel gently reminded Dean that he didn't do what Cain did. He didn't murder Sam. 

The sound of the door opening and two sets of footsteps broke Dean's nervous pacing but placed fresh fear inside Gadreel. He decided to stay where he was and take root in the safety of the kitchen like a tree extending its roots in the soil. He listened closely to Dean's greetings to his brother and Castiel, barely making out what they were saying over the sound of his own heartbeat. He couldn't do it. He couldn't face Sam. Not after what he had done. Saving Castiel from Heaven's prison would never make up for what he did to Sam. 

Gadreel quietly got up and tried to run towards his bedroom, the pain of the movement almost causing him to collapse. He pushed himself towards the hallway and forced himself into the room. He shut the door tightly behind him, fear quickly replacing his relief when he realised there was no lock on the door. He wasn't safe in here. They were going to get in and kill him. 

Gadreel began to panic, the anxiety building up and tightening in his chest. He slumped to the floor and pushed his back to it, hoping that the weight of his body would be enough to keep them out. His heartbeat raced even faster and a sharp pain flared in his chest. Gadreel felt like someone had repeatedly punched him in the chest and had started to wrap their hands around his neck, causing him to choke. 

When Gadreel heard a gentle knock on the door he almost fainted. 

"Gadreel, buddy, it's alright. We're not gonna hurt you. You're safe here, remember?" Dean soothed. 

Gadreel felt like shouting back at Dean that he was a lier, that lying was one of the things Dean was best at. But he couldn't find his voice, so instead focused on his own breathing. He could feel the years of being locked in a prison cell piling back on top of him, almost suffocating him. The room was dark and small, just like his cell had been. Even though there was no lock on this door he was still trapped. He only had two options: try to stay in here or face what was out there. Gadreel was a coward, so he stayed where he was. 

By now the knocking on his door had grown increasingly louder, and each pound to the door felt like a blow to his own body. Dean was growing angry, and Gadreel knew that a thin wooden door would not keep the hunter out forever. Dean had lied. He wasn't safe here. Panic flooded Gadreel's senses and he couldn't breathe. Strangled sobs and begs forced their way through his constricted throat, and Gadreel doubled over in pain. 

His weight against the door gave way as he slumped to the floor. Gadreel forced himself to curl up into a tight ball, dragging his legs up to his chest and hugging them with his arms. The door was pushed open and light spilled into the room. Gadreel quickly closed his eyes and waited for them to kill him, waited for them to inflict the punishment that had been carried out for a millennia. The punishment that he deserved. His last thought before he blacked out was about the deer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> Also, I've been playing around with my writing recently (I wrote my first ever smut scene in a fic) and I was wondering if that was something you guys would like me to explore in this fic? I have no clue if it'll happen yet, but if it does the tags will be updated! 
> 
> Oh, and happy Halloween!! 
> 
> I promise to get the next chapter out quicker, don't worry :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, please leave feedback :) 
> 
> Next chapter coming soon!


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